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MISTY'S STORY

Misty-Gonzales-Jewels-Founder

Misty Gonzales is the Founder and Executive Director of JEWELS. Her story is an amazing journey and well worth the read.

Misty’s story is also featured in “When a Woman Overcomes Life’s Hurts” by Cindi McMenamin. For more information or to purchase this book, please visit Strength For The Soul.

I grew up in Taylorsville, Utah and have remained within the Salt Lake Valley my entire life so far. After experiencing sexual abuse at a young age as well as a sexual assault at 16, my views about myself, love, sex, and men ultimately became distorted. My inner and outer reality suffered as I sought to find comfort by turning to people, places, and things.

Two decades of multiple failed, abusive, and dysfunctional relationships left me sad, angry, and feeling so alone. I found myself a single mother two separate times. Looking back, I can see that I was on a pretty sensational and desperate search to be loved. My life at that point had turned out a lot different than the hope I had in my heart for the future.

Continual failed relationships fueled the pain and hurt I was functioning out of. I was determined to make it on my own. Broken relationships continually confirmed that I couldn’t trust anyone but myself. I found myself desperate to survive and support my children as a single mom. I worked a full time job but without support, I struggled greatly.

The decision to start cocktail waitressing on weekends to earn extra income in addition to a full time week day job to support myself and children was made. I had a family member who worked at a local strip club that I turned to in a great time of need. (a few of my family members have/still do work in the clubs) I remember walking into the club and not being able to look at the stages. I had never been in a strip club before so I wasn’t really sure how to respond. I honestly didn’t know if I would be able to stay but decided to try for the sake of survival. I ended up waitressing for two years. I loved the people I worked with (still do) and after a while it was the place I found community and belonging.

Entering into a relationship with a fellow employee that lasted about 3 years, but was extremely unhealthy, further left me to question my own self worth. I didn’t realize it at the time because that was all I had known and experienced in relationships up to that point of my life was to look outside of myself for a sense of worth, value, love and belonging. For me, that was normal. When that relationship ended, I once again found myself in a desperate place financially to survive.

I decided to apply for a license and start dancing one night after waitressing when I walked into the dressing room to clean up and was quickly drawn to how much money the girls had made after the bar was closed. I made pretty great tips as a cocktail waitress but the dancers made a lot more. I was desperate to come up with rent by the following weekend so we would not be evicted from our home.

It really seemed like the answer that would fix everything. I had been struggling to work 2 jobs. I thought if I became a dancer, I would not only make the rent I needed to keep us from being homeless, but I could quit my day job and just work at nights to be home with my children during the day. My heart’s desire had always been to be a stay home mom with my kids. I decided this is what would allow me to independently support myself and children.

I was nervous the first night I started dancing. I kept telling myself that it was not a big deal and reminded myself of what I would lose if I didn’t do it. Truthfully, I couldn’t bear the thought of not being able to support my children. My plan at the time was to be a quick fix to make ends meet until I could pursue other options and move on. Ultimately, that plan failed and I ended up dancing for the next ten years. I found myself caught in a revolving cycle and in many situations that I never expected.

Dancing allowed me to provide in ways that I had never been able to before. I thought that I had truly found freedom. However, this freedom came with a huge price. I ultimately became numb to my reality and used alcohol and a variety of different drugs to cope and escape. I wasn’t able to dance sober. I mentally checked out and the decision ultimately ended up costing me much more than I had bargained for. My life began to spiral further out of control.

Partying became something I did more often than not and I lost touch with reality. I lied to everyone around me and denied that I had any problems. I covered up my drug addictions and dependency until it became obvious by my appearance and behavior. I became depressed and hated living life after a while. There were many times that I had absolutely no hope or desire to go on. I hated what I had become, especially as a mother. My whole purpose and reason for dancing was to take care of us but the opposite happened instead.

After realizing my life was continuing to spiral and I couldn’t provide the life my children needed, I voluntarily gave custody of my daughter to her father. It was completely devastating. I couldn’t take care of her financially, physically or emotionally the way she needed to be. I felt totally worthless. I couldn’t see a way out. The choices I was making because I was struggling to cope affected every single person around me, especially my children, and that completely broke my heart. I didn’t have any idea how to make it stop and get out of the situations I found myself in.

Life became heavy and I struggled with grief, depression, and anxiety. I grieved the loss of my daughter and couldn’t bear life without her on a daily basis. I still had my son but I knew I wasn’t doing such a great job of taking care of him either. It seemed they just would be better off without me since I just kept failing them.

I began dating a man that I had known for most of my life. He was not a part of the club scene. He actually talked about God a lot and it made me incredibly uncomfortable that I tried to blow him off. I thought it was great he loved and worshiped God but I was not interested in the slightest. Growing up in Utah, I had plenty of experiences with religion and the religious. From what I knew about God, He was just a big rule dictator and unless you followed the rules, behaved, and were “good” He didn’t want anything to do with you. Looking back, I realize that’s just what I learned from my experiences with the religious people around me. I was already aware of my inability to be “good” or follow rules and I had absolutely no desire to.

This man just kept pursuing me anyway, even when I told him I was a stripper for a living as he clearly didn’t know.  I thought he would leave me alone after learning that about me.  However, he surprised me and instead he encouraged me in ways that were different than I had experienced in the past. He didn’t shame or look down on me. He spoke words of encouragement and belief in me. He called out the potential he could see within me that I couldn’t always see within myself. He told me it didn’t matter if I didn’t agree with his religion, it only mattered to have a relationship with God. It sounded nice because I wanted nothing to do with religion, but I had no idea how to have a relationship with God.

Tragically, within days of his marriage proposal and 10 days before Christmas, our wedding and life plans came to an end. I was devastated by the news of his sudden and unexpected death. I was contacted with the news that he had taken his own life by overdosing on medication. I didn’t see that coming at all as he never not once spoke of ending his life. Life as I knew it changed dramatically in a blink of an eye.

I tried to escape the pain with pills and ended up sedating myself for weeks. I honestly should have died in the same way he did. I didn’t think I could live with the pain. However, I didn’t have time to grieve and was forced to go on despite the pain I was in. I found myself in another unsafe living environment almost immediately after his passing. I cried out to God for help.  I had done this in the past but things never changed or got better so I wasn’t sure God cared, listened, or could/would actually help me. I packed a bag and was ready to go to the homeless shelter downtown with my son. I had nowhere and no one to turn to for help. I was again abandoned, alone, scared, and desperate for help.

I was connected to a woman who ran an organization and safe home by a friend who I confided in that I was in danger and needed help. Arriving to this woman’s home with my son and a few belongings in the car, completely terrified out of my mind, was so humbling. I could not believe that I was literally to the point of showing up to live at a total stranger’s house. I was living out my worst fear. For years I had tried to avoid this very moment from happening. However strangely at the same time I actually realized God had heard my cry for help and I was very thankful for a safe place to be.

The family who took us in showed us compassion and kindness. They encouraged us and showed us unconditional love. I was amazed by the fact that complete strangers would take us into their home. Especially after spilling everything about my past. They didn’t judge me and took me and my children in as if we were their own family. I found myself drawn to their joy in the midst of challenges, fun youthful playfulness, and a peace that was evident. They lived fully, connected, authentic, purposeful lives that loved us and many others so very well.

They invited me to come along with them to a Christian church they attended and told me it was not an obligation to go to be able to stay with them. Truthfully, I was in such a dark place grieving, angry, hurt, and without hope for our future. I wasn’t convinced it would or could help me, but I went.

Bored out of my mind is how I imagined it to be. A few church experiences in my past were either boring or just didn’t make much sense. Attending this church was different and refreshing. Listening and watching the live band and bible verses fill up the screens that were in front of me felt as if every single word was written just for me. Life, encouragement, and hope were being spoken into my heart. Never in a million years would I have thought that a church and those within could be a place I could actually start to relate to. However, this was the very moment when I started to want to know and learn more.

Regret, grief, and trauma ran deep within me. Healing is what I needed most. I started looking at myself and the choices I had made, taking ownership and responsibility for my choices. Facing things I needed to for years. It was a very humbling experience to understand and see the reality sin had played in my life. I asked God for forgiveness and knew I needed to turn a different direction.

Finding healing and forgiveness for myself and those who had abused, abandoned and hurt me was life changing. No longer did I have to stay bound up in fear, hurt or bitterness from rejection. I had found a real, love, peace, acceptance and belonging in Jesus which enabled my perspective and heart to change.

I started to have and ask more questions to learn more. It took awhile to believe that God had a good plan for my life and has continued to be a process of learning how to trust Him and others.

There have been many dark days that I mostly cried through. Confusing circumstances and deep wounds aren’t easy to change or heal quickly from. In the midst of it God gave me strength and hope. Where I felt so alone and abandoned is really where I found out I wasn’t alone or abandoned by Him.

Lies started to be replaced with truth. Research and study started to answer the questions I had. Emptiness became filled within me. A life once lived of unrealistic expectations on myself as well as people started to change. That search continually for someone to “rescue” or add value to my life became unnecessary.

Though my plans for my life did not turn out as I had hoped or wanted back then, the real Rescuer, Jesus Christ, found me and has slowly been changing me from the inside out transforming my life into something so beautiful. I wasn’t looking for God but He came looking for me. I didn’t do anything to deserve it, but by pure grace, God has been bringing about beauty from ashes.

By His intervention into my life, the ”Good News” changed everything. Being forgiven has allowed me to forgive myself as well as others. The emptiness, wounds, and false ideas that I had of love, men, myself, others and even God are now being filled by the love of Jesus. I did nothing to deserve it, have not had to earn, work, or perform and be “good enough” for Him to work, accept, help and love me.

Wrestling with doubts, fear, and challenges are still a daily struggle. I am still walking out healing from the trauma I’ve been through. However, I’ve learned Who to turn to for help hope, strength, courage, and comfort.

We lived with that amazing family for over a year and I was connected to some others to learn a new work skill. I was given the opportunity to have a professional accounting career. Things came full circle when I was also able to work for that same incredible woman and organization that took me in as a case manager, helping others out of hurtful and sometimes dangerous situations as well, connecting them to helpful resources. Allowing me to give to others what I’ve myself received. I have been sober for over 12 years now and married to an incredibly loving and godly man who is Jewels ministry Pastor. Only God could write such an amazing life story of redemption.

I’m learning how to be healthy relationally and experience what real love really looks like and is. It’s been messy at times and has required a lot of work and effort. Relationships with my daughter, son, other parents, and extended family have all been reconciled and restored. Our blended family of four children continues to grow as they reach adulthood and start to live their own lives, join spouses and have children of their own one day. It’s all such a gracious gift from God to still be on this earth for and experience all that has came to be.

My heart is being changed as well as the way I see this world. Pain, abuse, and heartache didn’t and doesn’t get the final say in my life. I am no longer a victim but more than a conqueror through Christ’s love that has helped me overcome. My past experiences have developed into a passion to reach out and encourage others.

The more I get to know Jesus, the more I am understanding His perfection in place of my imperfections. The lie of needing to appear in control, act like I’m ok, have it all together, try harder, perform, mask emotions, hurts and wounds, figure it all out, people please, and rely on my own strength and abilities are now something I understand God has not made me to do or be.You aren’t either friend. He desires a relationship with our hearts and not for us to cover up our deepest needs to be seen, know, understood, and loved. He desires a personal relationship with each of us.

God greatest desire is for you to know Him. He is pursuing your heart right now, exactly how you are, and right where you are.

Understanding the freedom that is in knowing Jesus is really how Jewels came to be and why we exist. Some of us who reach out and visit have been in the industry and know the realities. We would like to encourage you on your journey just as we were encouraged along the way. Don’t worry, we aren’t going to thump you on the head with a Bible or anything. We are simply Jesus followers that don’t believe in religion. That might sound pretty strange living in Utah. We get that.  A fun fact though, Jesus dislikes empty religious practices too! If you’re curious about that, we’d love to have a conversation about it. Feel free to ask when we come in and visit. We also leave cards to invite you to come into the churches we were welcomed and attend to be welcomed as well to learn more. If you’re not interested, that’s totally ok too. We aren’t coming in to give gifts and treats with any hidden agenda or ulterior motives. We can’t fix, save, or change anyone That’s Gods job. We’d like to just simply encourage you right where you are. There are no strings attached to what we are doing. We love every opportunity we get to come meet and visit you.

If you’d like to reach out to have a conversation or connect for any other reason, please feel free to contact us. We’d love to connect with you to learn how we can get to know you, encourage, and best support you. We are people who have been there too, can relate, and are here for you.

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